Testing the Client

Okay so I got really fed up with waiting on LJs page to load and stopping me from posting when I need to. So I downloaded a client, at the suggestion of my wonderful guy and with the help of a good friend, and I'm giving it a go. We'll see how well it works.

Static Journey

The law of seasons becomes
the law of religion. According to that law,
the day born of this night is sacred,
for on this day offerings are made
that dedicate all ships to me.
As this day dawns, the storms of winter
lose their strength. The surging waves
grow calm. The sea is a highway once again.
Go through this day with a mind not clouded
by worry over the past or fear of futures
that have not yet come to be.

--The goddess Isis, speaking in Apuleius' The Golden Ass

Taking time to ask for the kindness and protection of the goddess as we move through the day is a small ritual, but one that can sustain us as we travel.

This is something I always do... life is a journey, so to engage and invoke the goddess in protection of our journey seems to me to be common sense. I ask not only for myself, but for others who share my journey in larger and smaller parts: those I love, the babies... friends whom I also love, and even - sometimes (if I'm honest less often than I should) - those whom I know, but who I would not count among my friends for whatever reason, those who might have wronged me perhaps. Oh, I'm no saint, most definitely not. Those moments are few and far between.

Fridays right now for me, are definitely a time where my journey is a static one... and inward one, to places of myself where I might rather not look, but where I know I must if my journey is to be an honest one. Today I've been trying to work out what it is that has left me feeling 'uncherished.' I know I'm loved... my guy does wonderful things for me... and even in those time that frustration and hurt gets the better of either or both of us, is always there. I know I'm loved.

Why then today (and I am speaking only on today - taking each day at a time), do I feel as if I am not cherished. I went to sleep quite buoyant considering I felt as ill as I did and in spite of my worry for my guy. I woke later than I had wanted, and yes, maybe I felt as if I had wasted so much of the day by sleeping, but my body needed it... if I can't cherish myself by caring for myself when I need to be cared for, who else will?

I had issues with the connection which have frustrated me more than a little and have meant that I am still only at the top of me 'list of things to do' - many of which require an internet connection that works at more than 496 bps... but that's not it either. Neither of those things should have a bearing on emotional security, should they? Aside from the fact that they have do have an effect on relationships when being unable to communicate when necessary puts a strain on things - and that happens a lot, and I can do nothing more than accept that it's my fault for having chosen this path, can I?

So what do I need beyond the riches that I already have? It it selfish of me to even think there may be other things that I need that I'm not getting?

Not when what I really need is to actually like myself, I don't think.