Talk Talk

Don't worry so much about tomorrow;
consider this day a gift from Fortune,
this day that you are granted to be young
and dancing while the new sap rises

and death stays away. Now is the time
to discover new purposes for playing field or
public square: to discover them as places
for lingering whispers when soft night

covers secret meetings, a place for hide-and-seek
and tell tale giggles from a girl hiding in a corner
from whose arm or finger the prize is snatched
and who - almost - resists.

--Horace

Within ourselves, too, we must learn to labor through the silent nights and winters of our lives, times when nothing seems to come to fruition, when we encounter only disappointment and disdain. For the inner work we do during these times is what creates the environment for growth on which others later remark. Keep faith during the wintry times, and spring will surely follow.

On the end of this week, this month really, it is a timely reminder - spring will follow. Even at the hardest of times in our lives, it will always get better... but of late, I could only hear myself asking 'when?'

These last three months have been a labor of trying to understand myself and my reactions to things that I should have been able to take in my stride, yet have found myself struggling. Maybe it's the speed at which everything happened, I couldn't say for sure, but I feel like I've been on the back foot the whole of the time, about to fall on my arse, and just when I think I start to right myself, there's always something and I'm right back where I was... teetering backwards, arms waving in the air for balance - one step forward and two back. Intellectually I know this added insecurity will not last, but it's not possbile to think only with your brain and intellect. Especially not when you just feel plain scared and lonely, and out of touch - and you I have to admit that much of the time that's how I feel. It's been bad for me. It's been bad for my relationships and no matter what I have tried It hasn't helped.

I'm blessed. I have the love of a 'good man' to reach out to, that has held me and my sanity for this time. The only trouble is, that now, my guy needs me to do the same. I'm trying, but I'm falling short, even I admit that. It's time I found my feet - this shrinking violet is not who or what I am. Step up and be the woman she needs. I don't feel I've done what I should, and given as much as I could, or even as much as I want to give. But I'll never stop trying, and I know I'll very be satisfied with the way I show my love, even when I do good things it's never enough, because she deserves everything, better than the best, always. She doesn't deserve the abuse and neglect. I hate that I've done that.

I'm glad of the few good friends I've made, one especially, who has been an unrecognised pillar, someone who has just been there in the background. Helpful, quiet, supportive.

I'm saddened that the one most vocal of those whom I trusted that has turned out to be a bit of a 'viper at the breast.' I feel a little stressed to still feel somewhat beholden to her for all the help she's given me, but that doesn't mean I have to put up with the abuse, right? Still I feel trapped by it, and her constant negativity is like a battering ram that I can't escape. That she goes running off to management the minute I or anyone else tell her 'no'; or when anyone disagrees with her over something, or simply tells her something in confidence has only just been proven to me, who was previously prepared to give her the benefit of the doubt - I feel my trust has been betrayed, and that's the least of it. I have tried talking out grievances, I have tried helping when she has expressed she needs help, I have tried supporting, and tried talking again - nothing seems to help, or to be good enough and now there's the added sense of not feeling able to trust her. As I said to mum today, if she wants to be my friend, then fine... but she's got to stop with the drama and stabbing in the back when things don't go her way. She'll tell you she doesn't do well with conflict, and then seems to go out of her way to create it - and fan the flames of drama with rumour and gossip and innuendo. I don't need friends like that, she isn't good for me; not a good influence.

On a everyday living front... a small breakthrough today, as having battled with a headache and period pains all day, I didn't feel like cooking - I had a takeaway menu that was left on my doorstep the other day. Now, I don't like calling to speak to 'people' at the best of times in America and in England, so...for me to do that in Cairo, nah, it wasn't happening. But... I made myself do it. I'm glad I did. The food was good. If I can do it here I can do it anywhere, right? The newer, talkingest, phoningest me!