Sliding Down the Curve.

I send up a prayer to my goddess Hathor.
I beg her to give me the one I desire.
When we are lovers, we will thank her.
Joyfully we will thank ker.
And my beloved will cry out to me:
Lover, lover, lover, in the whole vast world,
I am the one destined for you by the goddess.

--Egyptian prayer to Hathor

You are splendid and unique. You are a new creation. In all of human history, no person exactly like you has ever lived and breathed. Every cell of your body, every pattern in your thoughtful mind, is a new part of this universe. How can you ever doubt that you deserve much, much love?

Today, quite easily.

Though I miss people all the time, there are days, like today, when waves of almost over...whelming loneliness sweep in to drown me. Such days creep up on me and have no rhyme or reason to their coming or going. This morning it was one of those occasions. It wasn't even the fact of being alone all day - it being Friday, hence no school, because I didn't really stay alone for long, what with an unscheduled trip to the doctor... nothing too serious, just a nosebleed I couldn't stop - due to an inflamed blood vessel because of a sinus infection, apparently. Anyway, my day started with people all around me, then I went to the Souk to renew my internet for the new month, and to do some shopping. The souk is a bustling marketplace, with little shops lining the streets, noise and life and doing... and I felt I stood apart from it - isolated and stuggling to make myself heard, let alone loved. A number of times I walked away from a shop front of a store selling something I needed (bread for example), because I couldn't find a way to make myself engage in communication with the vendor. True it didn't help that in the souk there are many people who do not speak English... and my Arabic is limited to a few phrases, but mostly I manage usually. A damn shame really, the bread was good - fresh out of the oven. :( Never mind, next time.

Did I know I was feeling this kind of loneliness, or could I name it that way - not really, not until I passed the pet store and very nearly came away with a fluffy white puppy and thought 'what the /hell/ are you thinking?!' Then I knew it for what it was - missing my love - my guy... missing my family, missing the babies and being able to help caring for them, but more than that... it was this crushing sense of isolation and loneliness. It'll probably be gone by morning... but when it visits, like a vulture over a dying person in the desert, it really isn't to be laughed at.