Step by Baby Step

I am Nature, mother of all, mistress of elements, daughter of time. I control the realms of spirit, I am sovereign of death, I am queen of the immortals. I am all gods and goddesses at once. By a gesture I command the shining vault of sky, the gentle breezes of the sea, even the dark silence of the underworld. I am worshiped everywhere.

Each nation has its own name for me, seeing only one of my aspects, knowing only one of my myths, worshiping me with only one of my possible rites. In ancient Phrygia I am Pessinunica, mother of gods; in Athens, where men are birthed from the soil itself, I am Artemis; on the island of Cyprus I am golden Aphrodite. The Cretan archers call me Dyctinna, the trilingual Sicilians Proserpina, and the Eleusinians the ageless Mother of Grain. Some call me Juno, others Bellona of the Battles, others Hecate or Rhanumbia. But there are those who know me best, those upon whose lands the sun shines first and they call me by my truest name: lady Isis, queen of the sky.

Cease your tears now, for I have come to help you. I looked down and saw the sorrows of your life. So dry your tears now. All things will soon change for you, as under my watchful ligt your life is restored, renewed.

--Apuleius, The Golden Ass

Our lives, too, are full of tests. We can rail and complain that the universe treats us unkindly, or we can humbly accept the challenges we are offered, recogniszing that they offer us opportunities to learn and grow.

It's in the little things - the little triumphs. Moments when you can find your way when you were once lost and didn't know where you were going. When you dare to go into the bank by yourself, confident that you'll be understood - even if it does take a while. When they tell you there's 'time' and then 'Egyptian time' they really are not kidding.

Conversely it's in the moments when you realise that someone who has been a dear friend is actually - probably not doing you all that much good - because they fill you with tension and paranoia; because they rush like a whirlwind through moments and feelings alike. Not that you want to step away from the friendship of course, just from being subsumed by the 'energies' of that relationship.

It's been a day like that for me today. Ups and downs - moments of smiles where I was able to say, 'hey look, I did it!' Okay, so I can hear all of you out there saying, 'wow, great, you managed to do the banking - you managed to get help with the computer, big deal.' Well you know what, it was a big deal to me. First it was fulfilling a promise to do something I said I would do, when I said I'd do it... only second came the fact that I was doing it here. Took a while, because it involved going back and forth between 2 different banks, but I still did it.

And at the computer store, yes the same one where I bought the new little netbook, I spoke with Ahmed, who was the man that sold it to me, to ask for his help with the internet connection. He was kind enough to spend about an hour on the telephone with Vodaphone's technical support, who really don't speak English at all well, so couldn't make sense to me, and get the problem of the very slow connection at least partially improved, if not perfectly so. I know /technically/ I didn't do that part by myself - but I found a person that could help and that's good enough for me. I also had the KFC meal that I've been craving for about a week now. I was right there by the restaurant, it would have been silly not to go there.

I don't say these things to get praise or accolades... more to be able to look back later and prove to myself that I /am/ an independent person. That I can do these things... face these tests, and overcome them. I've been afraid and shivering in the shadows, and I'll confess it has been uncomfortable to realise that I'm not as strong as I thought I was... but I'm getting there. Each trip to the store, each ride on the bus, the public on, not the school one, each trip to the bank and the souk and the mall, I'm finding my feet, and looking for the next step forward.