All I Want...

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

We carry within us
the wonders we seek
without us.
--Thomas Brown

So too, we; for don't our bubbles of pain get trapped in our feathers, turning to jewls the closer we get to the current under everything…? …In truth, the more we accept our limitations and surrender to the depths below our woundedness, the more the vastness holds up. There is no way to know this but to dive.


I do not think I have ever been so torn about making a decision. I know it is a decision that only I can make – ultimately and in the end – because I have to be an adult for once in my life… but I have to be a loving one, and this decision doesn't just affect me. I have been offered the job at the school in Cairo, and now I must decide whether to take it.

Mir and I talked yesterday, at length, and on and off as often as we could, trying to figure through the pros and cons – if, in theory, I got the job.

( considerations )

There was a period of time where we coped with the distance between us, when we coped with the going away from NC after the school holidays by saying that I was just 'going away to work,' now here we are… and that's exactly what this would be doing, if I take the job.

Worries for myself, about being somewhere foreign that I don't know are really a non-consideration, because the school looks after the staff so well, transport, accommodation and everything, and I'm not the kind of going out and living it up kind of person. That's not to say I wouldn't experience anything just… that the worries aren't there as they could have been. Family first; love first, that's the way I've always tried to look at things, but here, what's necessary and what's good for us and what we both want are all so mixed in together, it's harder to say what that 'best' is, even if we did already decide – in theory – yesterday… and not because of anyone but my own conflicts. As I said in yesterday's post, the first thing I thought when it came up, was, I don't want to be there without Mir… but I also don't want either of us feeling guilty or feeling regret at the end of the day… whatever the decision ends up being.

Bones and Tails In the Closet.

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

You are that which you are seeking.
--Saint Francis

In the end, seeking only brings us to the edge of knowing ourselves. If we never look inward, we tend to become experts at life on the edge, while seldom unlocking what all our seeking means. We can become masters at climbing the mountains of the world instead of breaking the trail to the center of our woundedness. We can become masters at driving fast cars through the night instead of moving through the dark corners of our mind. We can become masters at seducing strangers in the name of love instead of embracing the softer, less perfect aspects of who we are.

Today, my seeking was all about wanting answers… I didn't get them for a long, long time because I ended up chasing my tail like some kind of demented puppy – except not a puppy, because I didn't feel very spritely. In the end I just ended up getting myself very stressed – definitely on the edge, but not of knowing myself. That's to come I think. That's not as flippant a comment as it sounds – or maybe it is, I don't know.

You know maybe the problem has been all this time that I've been looking outward for answers, and not looking inward… at least not in the right way. At one point in chasing my tail today I actually sat down and said something along the lines of the fact that all of the reasons I was giving myself for either wanting to take the job or not wanting to take the job were for someone else – not looking within to see the me in the situation…which then struck me as odd because I'm usually very good as seeing the 'me' in things.

I think that probably follows through into much of the 'searching for self' that I've been doing all this time – the seeking I was doing, though I was saying perhaps that I was seeking within, hasn't really been deep enough – I was looking for answers around me, outside of myself as to the whys and wherefores of it all. Well that's not going to work, is it – if I want to find the self I lost and the reasons for that, there's only me to look at… really deep inside. Not… reasons outside, not…'what made me' but me itself. I think the last part of the quote probably has a good deal to do with the reason why… because it's all about accepting that we're not perfect. Gods, how many times have I had a right go at myself for all the things I 'get wrong' instead of just accepting, yeah, okay… I'm a little bit busted – let's get down and dirty and figure out what I need. So climbing mountains – struggling with what I needed to find when all the time I was going in the wrong direction. It does make you feel a little bit stupid when you wake up to all that – when you realise that. And you know what? I can accept all of that with a light heart, and knowing that even if it is dark in there, and I find some things I'd rather not see, it's all right… and it will be all right.

I finally made the decision today and accepted the position in Cairo, some time around 8pm as a matter of fact – a little after. Yes, there are still things to be worked out, but things are on the way now. It'll be a learning experience, and I'm sure I'll be chasing my tail again at some point along the way – but I can at least remember to breathe… and take a peek within, before looking out the other way. Right now I'm still kind of a little bit twitterpated, still a lot to take in... but I'm not panicking... yet. It's natural to be a little bit nervous, right?