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...Of My Own Shadow
Jun. 8th, 2011 12:09 amFrom The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.
The truth is that no one can avoid personalizing or projecting. There are only those of us who are aware of it, and those of us who are not; only those of us who own it when it happens and those of us who don't. But this difference is crucial. Not owning these things can end relationships. Owning them can deepen relationships.
I personalise and project a lot. I think it stems from having a lot of insecurities about a lot of things. Another big part of it is being oversensitive… both of those things together make it all too easy to do it, even when you don't want or mean to. I end up making myself miserable, walking around on eggshells and making everyone else around me miserable too. I've been trying very hard lately not to do this and to recognise when I am doing it. It means shaking off a lot of stuff though, so it might take me a while. I recognise that too… but I am trying.
It should be so damned easy just to say, 'my bad' or 'this is how I feel' or 'this is what's happening' but I allow myself to be held back by fear… and it's not even necessarily out of fear of what other people will think of me/say to me/do, whatever… it's because I've already judged myself and found myself wanting – there's projection for you. It's stupid; I want to break the cycle. Need help to break the cycle… but I don't know how. All I know is I'm tired of hurting the people I love because of it. I'm tired of not living up to the person I should be, always was and can be again because of being my own worst judge and being afraid.
Maybe I should just put on shoes and say – "I'm sorry, I spilled the soup."
Maybe I should write it up on a post-it note and put it somewhere I'll see it every day.
Wanting to reform the world without discovering
one's true self is like trying to cover
the world with leather to avoid the pain of
walking on stones and thorns.
It is much simpler to wear shoes.
-The Hindu sage Ramana Maharshi
The truth is that no one can avoid personalizing or projecting. There are only those of us who are aware of it, and those of us who are not; only those of us who own it when it happens and those of us who don't. But this difference is crucial. Not owning these things can end relationships. Owning them can deepen relationships.
I personalise and project a lot. I think it stems from having a lot of insecurities about a lot of things. Another big part of it is being oversensitive… both of those things together make it all too easy to do it, even when you don't want or mean to. I end up making myself miserable, walking around on eggshells and making everyone else around me miserable too. I've been trying very hard lately not to do this and to recognise when I am doing it. It means shaking off a lot of stuff though, so it might take me a while. I recognise that too… but I am trying.
It should be so damned easy just to say, 'my bad' or 'this is how I feel' or 'this is what's happening' but I allow myself to be held back by fear… and it's not even necessarily out of fear of what other people will think of me/say to me/do, whatever… it's because I've already judged myself and found myself wanting – there's projection for you. It's stupid; I want to break the cycle. Need help to break the cycle… but I don't know how. All I know is I'm tired of hurting the people I love because of it. I'm tired of not living up to the person I should be, always was and can be again because of being my own worst judge and being afraid.
Maybe I should just put on shoes and say – "I'm sorry, I spilled the soup."
Maybe I should write it up on a post-it note and put it somewhere I'll see it every day.
