Confused

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

As the sun cannot withhold its light,
we cannot withhold what feels real.

It is so simple and yet so brave to say that we are hurt when we are hurt, that we are sad when we are sad, that we are scared when we are scared. In very direct and daily ways, this energy of realness-this mana-changed situations because the immediate expression of our truth released light and warmth that influences the life we are a part of. This is the way our spirit shines.

I'm not a brave person. I'm the first to admit that. Perhaps that's why I stopped saying such things... because it hurts more when you've been that brave and haven't been taken notice of - or have been castigated for it, which is even worse. Anyway, that's not what I wanted to write about today. I've covered it to death elsewhere, and I wanted to think of one of those things that I haven't said, that I've been keeping bottled inside, which actually I realised in the very early hours of this morning.

I don't think I'd actually been asleep for long, and I don't know what woke me, or what I was dreaming about but... it was dark. I mean really dark. Living in the city, with a lot of light polution, I don't get that very often... and having a street light or two right outside of my window, even with the curtains closed, it's never completely dark... but when I woke, the street lights were out, and it was very very dark.

I came to admit something to myself... something I've previously realised, but kind of swept away, dismissed, denied.

I'm afraid of the dark.

Feels silly. Only little kids are afraid of the dark. There's nothing there in the dark that's not there in the light... right? And it's really silly to stay in the middle of your bed so that whatever's down there on the floor, within reach of the edge of it doesn't get you...

But that's what I found myself doing, for several long minutes actually - I have no idea how long exactly, because of course I have no clock in my room, have to rely on my phone to see what time it is, and to do that I have to reach out past the end of my bed and... it was dark.

I calmed down after a while... so whether it was just made more accute by whatever it was I was dreaming about before I woke up, I don't know, but the feeling was there.

I'm afraid of the dark - and if there's an atmosphere too - forget it. It's a shame though, because I don't much enjoy the light polution either.

However, give me starlight, and moonlight... now that is beautiful, right there.

Sometimes I think I'm a very confused kind of person.