Starting to catch up to ourselves.

So...

Because of sickness, and damn fool doctors and all kinds of other things, we got behind in our daily thoughts and meditations, which we were enjoying so much. So we're not trying to catch up, doing several each day so that we can do that... so if you're wondering what's going on, this is it. :)

Old Reflexes - New Directions

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

As a man in his last breath
drops all he is carrying
each breath is a little death
that can set us free.

So often we make a commitment to change our ways, but stall in the face of old reflexes as new situations arise. When gripped by fear or anxiety, the reflex is to hold on, speed up, or remove oneself. Yet when we feel the reflex to hold on, that is usually the moment we need to let go. When we feel the urgency to speed up, that is typically the instant we need to slow down. Often when we feel the impulse to flee, it is the opportunity to face ourselves. Taking a deep meditative breath, precisely at this moment, can often break the momentum of anxiety and put our psyche in neutral. From here, we just might be able to step in another direction.

Old reflexes are in fact the biggest burden, the biggest hurdle I am facing, not in 'changing my ways,' but in actually rediscovering way I once walked freely and happily upon, before I lost my way. Whatever it was that made me lose faith (in myself as well as in those around me), I cannot truly say. Certainly, I can identify many things that have hurt me, or kindled in me that impulse to flee, to hide, or remove myself from the situation, and the people who have precipitated those actions in me. Notice I say 'precipitated...?' I say that because of the argument that no one can make you do anything or feel any particular way, the responsibility for doing or feeling anything in response to the actions or words of an outside influence is your alone, (in this case mine alone).

I have a problem with that. I never used to, well not so much as I do currently, but of late, I've been so exposed to 'you made me feel...' (fill in the blank), yet when I felt the necessity to express the way I've been feeling in response to various things, I've been unable to, partly because I don't want to be seen to be using emotion to influence a situation, but also because of the expected 'I didn't make you feel anything, you chose to feel that way' response. The hypocricy here isn't hard to miss... so I guess my psyche has settled into a petulant state of - 'well if it's good enough for you, it's good enough for me' kind of attitude, and so ergo, I have a problem with the above mentioned philosophy.

It's a kind of conflict, you see... and I've mentioned before how I run from, hide from and otherwise avoid conflict - at all cost. Seems like the cost right now, however, is this sought after return to the ways I used to follow.

But how do I do that when I don't feel safe to express what's going on inside me? My emotional responses are being stuffed under the cushions almost as soon as they happen - swallowed down and remaining unfaced in order to avoid conflict... in order to avoid upsetting people, and thus being upset myself.

I see how much it's a viscious circle, and want to break out of the circle, and yet, I cling to the fears that stop me from facing myself, and being open... being me

Someone recently said to me, "I don't know how you have the patience." It isn't about patience, or any such virtuous thing - it's pure cowardice. It's a capitulation to the frightened child inside. But it's not healthy, and surely knowing all of this you'd think it would be easy to stop it, right? Easy to take that deep, meditative breath and in the silence of it, find myself and the courage to do and say what I should?

So here's to deep breaths and different directions...

Nomad, Chameleon or Pilgrim

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

To journey without being changed
is to be a nomad.
To change without journeying
is to be a chameleon.
To journey and to be transformed
by the journey
is to be a pilgrim.

I understand these things so well, because I violate them so often. Yet I, as you, consider myself a pilgrim of the deepest kind, journeying beyond any one creed or tradition, into the compelling, recurring space in which we know the moment and are changed by it. Mysteriously, as elusive as it is, this moment-where the eye is what it sees, where the heart is what it feels-this moment shows us that what is real is sacred.

I am the elephant in the room. You know the concept? When someone proposes something that runs counter to your experience, counter to what you are comfortable doing or being, and so, rather than protest or speak up, you simple refuse to let the new experience change you. To undertake the tasks, the activity, or whatever, and yet refuse to be changed by it... internalise it. Refuse to learn... Where you could be enriched by the experience, you simply remain alone and bereft.

The most recent times this happened was when I received some feedback from a tutor on a course that I'm taking. I had, I'd thought, followed the guidance, done the research, and then was ready to submit the work as I was expected to do, but was left unfulfilled by it, because it did not fit with my own experience of such things and the knowledge I had previously gained on such matters. Yet stubbornly, because it was what was 'expected' I followed the rules and the expectations. The feedback, when it came, was less positive than it could have been, had I allowed the whole of the experience to affect the necessary changes, while maintaining my individuality of course.

And the whole thing has left me feeling rather alone - like a nomad in a huge desert world.


Changing to 'fit in' isn't always a good thing... and I've been burned rather badly by it very recently. It was a parents' evening at a school where I was doing a long term assignment. I didn't /have/ to stay and do it, but because I'm nothing if not a consumate professional, with a certain amount of professional pride, I agreed to stay - that's not really relevant to the story, except to feeling agrieved when later being told that I 'lacked commitment' to the school (a damned excuse if ever I heard one). The parents evening didn't start until five, leaving a couple of hours between the ending of school and the beginning of the meetings. I was invited out, and went out with the other staff at the school. During this social outing, I morphed to fit in with people I didn't really know well, wanting to fit in, joining in with their jokes (and I have to say, being accepted quite happily into their little social circle). Then I went away from the school for a while, and all of a sudden, I'm... well let's just say that my face doesn't fit.

It took me a while to figure out what went on, and to put the pieces together to make the whole jigsaw, but the long and short of it was, I had been put at a distance because people suddenly felt threatened by what they perceived I 'knew' because I'd been the Chameleon, fit in and joined their social circle and they had let their guard down and told someone who was, essentially a stranger, things that they wouldn't want getting back to others in authority.

And because of that, like the chameleon, though for utterly less positive reasons, I have been overlooked.


Right now, I'm on the biggest transormational journey that exists - life. Life's thrown many curved balls at me and I've seen and been a part of many experiences I could never have imagined, but right now the most immediate of those journey's that is life changing, or life changes that is a journey, is the path I am currently walking - a path to rediscover myself, to rediscover what it is to love and be loved, and for and in that, I have a wonderful companion, friend and balancing 'other half of my heart' It's a journay we're taking together, it's a secular journey as well as a spiritual one, and one that I hope is fulfilling. Along the way also I hope to rediscover a faith in myself, and in others... to truly find my inner pilgrim, and then to share her with others.

Half My Heart To Make Yours Whole.

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

If you place two living heart cells from different
people in a Petrie dish, they will in time find
and maintain a third and common beat.
-Molly Vass

It brings to mind the time that the great poet Pablo Neruda, near the end of his life, stopped while traveling at the Lota coal mine in rural Chile. He stood there stunned, as a miner, rough and blackened by his work inside the earth, strode straight for Neruda, embraced him, and said, "I have known you a long time, my brother."

There are times when I have looked at other people and have been sure that they are known to me. Sometimes I think it can be explained by the Wiccan belief, shared by other faiths, and by me personally that we live many lives over, and are at times able to 'meet, remember, and know' some of those people whose life journeys have shared my own.

But there are other times when even that is not enough, a connection that transcends even that... the connection of two hearts that are truly beating as one. A heart that you recognise, because you can feel the beat of it within your own. I am truly blessed to have found such a heart.

From a tiny spark of awakening, on a chance meeting in a hallway, the love and connection between Mirrani and I has blossomed. I won't say it hasn't been without its moments, of course it has, we're both human after all, but through it all, the beat of our hearts, echoed within the other, have shown us the true course... and there must be strength in our hearts because even with so long spent apart, our love never wanes. Even in the times when our patience does, and wears so thin and threadbare that we teeter on the brink of despair, our hearts remain strong and true.

It is a rare gift, and one I cherish, but not nearly as much as I cherish the love and presence in my life of the woman I love.

A Happy Valentine's Day

I woke up already excited today because we were going to be going out for our Valentine's Day. First of all we were going to brunch on Franklin Street, at 411 West, and after that, we were going to see a play at Memorial Hall. Sounds like a simple outing that wouldn't really be much to write home about, but if you thought that you would be wrong... very wrong :)

After parking at the parking deck, we took a nice gentle walk along Franklin Street, arm in arm. The weather had turned and instead of freezing temperatures, it was a positively balmy 60 degrees or so - okay so it was a little bit cool in the shade, but in the sun it was actually quite warm.

Brunch was pretty damn good. Steak and Eggs and the most melt-in-the-mouth biscuit I've ever tasted, not to mention the freshly squeezed orange juice. That in itself was almost worth selecting that particular restaurant over any of the others on Franklin Street. Then it was a nice leisurely walk the rest of the way, all the way to the used book store.

Anyone that knows me, will know that I love books... and so a used book store is kinda my idea of heaven - actually any kind of book store - so in we went... getting lost for a little while looking at all of the fantasy/sci-fi books, and the 'alternative spirituality' books, and trying also to avoid David, Michael and their mum, dad and baby sibling. They were just a little loud... and the threats of spanking just a little bit too... much. Just for once, I didn't really find any books that I wanted to get - though I was almost tempted by Wicca and Witchcraft for Dummies.

We left the bookstore in plenty of time to head down to the arboretum and then to get to Memorial Hall for the show. Slightly ironic really as I fly all the way to the USA to see a theatre company from Scotland - actually The National Theatre of Scotland.

Black Watch was quite simply amazing. I've been to Memorial Hall many times before, usually watching from the balcony - the last show we actually saw there together was Uncle Vanya. This time however it was we who were on the stage... at least sitting on it. The nature of Black Watch was that it only worked in a really intimate setting, to which end the theatre company perform either in the round, or as today's performance, with the audience in bleachers style seating either side of the stage.

They give you fair warning, the show contains 'strong language,' loud effects, smoke and strobe lighting - in spades. Every other word from the performers' mouths must have begun with F, or C, but it was completely appropriate to the subject matter and after a while didn't even shock - except toward the end where it came from the mouth of the 'officer.' The sound and visual effects were really quite astounding for theatre use, and - without spoiling the show too much - far from being an over militaristic kind of show, that would appeal only to males, there was sufficient artistry and emotion to engage female members of the audience as well. The show follows the story of a company of your Black Watch soldiers who have recently returned from Iraq, speaking to a journalist who wants to tell their story... and in telling the journalist we, the audience, come to see what they have faced... and to learn a little bit of the history of the Black Watch regiment.

Now me - I cry at just about anything right? So I went stocked up with tissues, having seen some review video's before we went, I thought I'd better. There are emotional moments in the show, but I managed pretty well, right up until near the end, when one of the actors began playing Flowers of the Forest on the bagpipes... really playing it too, not recorded music to which he pretended. He really played, and very well. I noticed he was emotional himself after he had finished, and yes, this was what set me off. There were many musical pieces throughout the show, and I'm not quite sure, but they sounded to be Traditional Scottish airs and ballads about young men going off to war. I'd have to look them up, but from the language and composition, I'd be willing to bet that at least some of them were. They worked very well, as did the 'dance' pieces that represented, stylistically such things as fights to settle disputes between fellow soldiers, and a piece that explored the history of the Black Watch, in which one actor was telling the history while the other members of the cast changed his uniform, as it changed down the ages. Extremely clever and very well done, the whole thing, and very well worth the standing ovation at the end. (Not to mention the headache from all the lighting effects and loud explosions :) )

Listening to the other members of the audience as we all streamed out way out into the bright sunlight was interesting too, one woman saying how she now wanted to know more about them in real life, and others making comment on some of the things that we'd seen during the show, then after all this excitement it was time to come back home for a relaxing evening with the rats and a little Wii.

Now... this may not sound like a traditional Valentine's day date, but really it was made all the more special by that. We had the time together, walking in the sunshine, we had brunch, another good walk, and then shared a piece of theatre that moved us both. It was truly a wonderful day of sharing - even once we got home and started playing, and spending time together with the rats. There was nothing about today that wasn't special, or enjoyable, and it was all a lot of fun.