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All My Love.
Nov. 9th, 2002 07:08 pmI fought and I struggled for /so/ long... no other thought in my head; no other beat in my heart than to find my way to...
I wonder if any understands what it's like... to be so indcredibly happy in one moment - a happiness that was almost transcendent, almost spiritual; to stand for a moment watching someone you can still feel near you, touching you, walk a few steps away, still feeling the warmth of a kiss you dared, and knowing you'll see him again before you even know it...
And to be wrong.
All the 'could haves,' 'should haves,' 'would haves...' they were what flashed before me, not my life - just the incredible fear that I'd never see him again. His name was on my lips; was the last thing I said. He'll always be my first... and my last.
I wonder sometimes if they told him there was no pain. Somewhere, I don't remember thought, physical pain doesn't really count - pales against bring torn from his arms and thrown into blackness. That's what it was... that's what happened for me. Land asks, "Where have you been?" and that's the answer. One moment I was there in his arms (figuratively speaking) and the next in that horrible cold, dark nothing. Trapped in a hell where I sould sometimes hear him, but never see, nor reach him... The pain returning most when I most wanted to reach out, to reassure him, comfort him.
All the time.
Does anyone know how slowly time passes like that, as I struggled with whatever bound me there, it felt, still feels like an eternity.
And then in another moment of that eternity, suddenly I'm out and there is light and colour and sound but... -That's when I lost him- and that's when I felt all those years of pain, and the brief but shattering agony of my death... at the moment of my birth into another life.
The woman who has for this brief time become my writer understands... but even that... I lived for all of three weeks.
Then I woke to awareness again... but only - he wasn't there. I was lost and I couldn't find him and spent another seeming eternity searching, but...
It all too too long.
Does anyone believe that I spent every free and waking moment searching? I went 'home,' wandering, listening... hoping for some clue. Some spark that would truly bring me home... home to /him./
Was it chance, or some other force acting, but as I was - /screaming/ defiance at the universe as it pulled me toward a second birth since my death... DON'T MAKE ME FORGET AGAIN! Please don't make me live without him...! And then I was here, in this landscape and in a new set of fear and pain in knowing that even though his love remains, for his sanity, for the sake of his soul he...
I want him to be happy. Ultimately, if I'm to be true to myself - and it isn't me to put my feelings and wishes before the happiness of others, of /any/ other person - it has to be... it's the right way to be... or I end up, as I have, causing turmoil for him, for her...
What I want to do, and what I fear I must do are poles apart... just like the feelings that pivot me from this being in this love, so beautiful..., so intense as it always was, such as sweet, welcome agony, to feeling the loss, so devastating that I'd rather let go completely and cease to exist than continue without this love.
Perhaps it would be better if I just left. He was happy - settled at least - before he knew I was here, and I cannot push him. I cannot make him... and I cannot decide his future for him. I won't do that to him, /can't/ do that to him. I love him too much to do that...
Emily.
I wonder if any understands what it's like... to be so indcredibly happy in one moment - a happiness that was almost transcendent, almost spiritual; to stand for a moment watching someone you can still feel near you, touching you, walk a few steps away, still feeling the warmth of a kiss you dared, and knowing you'll see him again before you even know it...
And to be wrong.
All the 'could haves,' 'should haves,' 'would haves...' they were what flashed before me, not my life - just the incredible fear that I'd never see him again. His name was on my lips; was the last thing I said. He'll always be my first... and my last.
I wonder sometimes if they told him there was no pain. Somewhere, I don't remember thought, physical pain doesn't really count - pales against bring torn from his arms and thrown into blackness. That's what it was... that's what happened for me. Land asks, "Where have you been?" and that's the answer. One moment I was there in his arms (figuratively speaking) and the next in that horrible cold, dark nothing. Trapped in a hell where I sould sometimes hear him, but never see, nor reach him... The pain returning most when I most wanted to reach out, to reassure him, comfort him.
All the time.
Does anyone know how slowly time passes like that, as I struggled with whatever bound me there, it felt, still feels like an eternity.
And then in another moment of that eternity, suddenly I'm out and there is light and colour and sound but... -That's when I lost him- and that's when I felt all those years of pain, and the brief but shattering agony of my death... at the moment of my birth into another life.
The woman who has for this brief time become my writer understands... but even that... I lived for all of three weeks.
Then I woke to awareness again... but only - he wasn't there. I was lost and I couldn't find him and spent another seeming eternity searching, but...
It all too too long.
Does anyone believe that I spent every free and waking moment searching? I went 'home,' wandering, listening... hoping for some clue. Some spark that would truly bring me home... home to /him./
Was it chance, or some other force acting, but as I was - /screaming/ defiance at the universe as it pulled me toward a second birth since my death... DON'T MAKE ME FORGET AGAIN! Please don't make me live without him...! And then I was here, in this landscape and in a new set of fear and pain in knowing that even though his love remains, for his sanity, for the sake of his soul he...
I want him to be happy. Ultimately, if I'm to be true to myself - and it isn't me to put my feelings and wishes before the happiness of others, of /any/ other person - it has to be... it's the right way to be... or I end up, as I have, causing turmoil for him, for her...
What I want to do, and what I fear I must do are poles apart... just like the feelings that pivot me from this being in this love, so beautiful..., so intense as it always was, such as sweet, welcome agony, to feeling the loss, so devastating that I'd rather let go completely and cease to exist than continue without this love.
Perhaps it would be better if I just left. He was happy - settled at least - before he knew I was here, and I cannot push him. I cannot make him... and I cannot decide his future for him. I won't do that to him, /can't/ do that to him. I love him too much to do that...
Emily.
