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Rambling on I-40
Aug. 2nd, 2011 07:10 pmFrom The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.
Sometimes there's just too much to consider, too much to understand and analyze, too many consequences to play out in our mind…
This is a criticism, yes… but it's a criticism of no one but me.
This is also a rant – an LJ equivalent of a primal scream. Language may not be suitable for younger viewers. Parental discretion is advised.
I want to be open with my feelings. I want to talk about when I'm sad, and the things that bother me. I want to laugh about the silly things, and make up funny stories and ways to deal with everything. I want to be able to show the happiness and the joy that's inside of me, and the truth of what I mind and don't mind. I want to feel like voicing my feelings doesn't take away from anyone else's feelings… I know that's true, but I want to feel it too, but I'm letting things get to me; closing doors when I should be opening the doors and windows wide. I'm personifying and projecting and just generally not doing a very good job of anything at all… and yeah, I'm trying too hard, and yeah, I'm second guessing myself all the while. Feel like a fucking compiler sometimes: If…then; and… butt – mine… and yes, the spelling is deliberate.
I want to feel like the emphasis, my attention, is not on everything that I haven't done, or don't do… (nor on the negative of what I have), but on what I have done, am doing, am giving, am being… instead of beating myself around the head with what I've fucked up today – how crap I am… whipping myself until I'm bleeding and drooling like a little Pavlovian puppy. It's no one fault, except mine – feeling this way – my stupid screwed up self with so much baggage that while the internal airline might be able to lose it from time to time, eventually it catches up to me… doesn't mean I wouldn't like a little hand holding every now and then… a little reminding that it's okay for me to say, "you did good today," to myself… to hear it from others; a gentle push toward acceptance of my will to change, to do things better, to get things right… a little self belief, because if I don't have that, how can others hope to believe in me?
Worthless much?
I know I'm not, but right now I'm just taking a moment out to wallow in self pity… like a hippo in a muddy pond. I know that when I come out, and the mud dries and cracks off I'll be all bright and shiny underneath… but right now, just feel like crap.
All the darkness! I'm going to walk
into the light.
-Job
Sometimes there's just too much to consider, too much to understand and analyze, too many consequences to play out in our mind…
This is a criticism, yes… but it's a criticism of no one but me.
This is also a rant – an LJ equivalent of a primal scream. Language may not be suitable for younger viewers. Parental discretion is advised.
I want to be open with my feelings. I want to talk about when I'm sad, and the things that bother me. I want to laugh about the silly things, and make up funny stories and ways to deal with everything. I want to be able to show the happiness and the joy that's inside of me, and the truth of what I mind and don't mind. I want to feel like voicing my feelings doesn't take away from anyone else's feelings… I know that's true, but I want to feel it too, but I'm letting things get to me; closing doors when I should be opening the doors and windows wide. I'm personifying and projecting and just generally not doing a very good job of anything at all… and yeah, I'm trying too hard, and yeah, I'm second guessing myself all the while. Feel like a fucking compiler sometimes: If…then; and… butt – mine… and yes, the spelling is deliberate.
I want to feel like the emphasis, my attention, is not on everything that I haven't done, or don't do… (nor on the negative of what I have), but on what I have done, am doing, am giving, am being… instead of beating myself around the head with what I've fucked up today – how crap I am… whipping myself until I'm bleeding and drooling like a little Pavlovian puppy. It's no one fault, except mine – feeling this way – my stupid screwed up self with so much baggage that while the internal airline might be able to lose it from time to time, eventually it catches up to me… doesn't mean I wouldn't like a little hand holding every now and then… a little reminding that it's okay for me to say, "you did good today," to myself… to hear it from others; a gentle push toward acceptance of my will to change, to do things better, to get things right… a little self belief, because if I don't have that, how can others hope to believe in me?
Worthless much?
I know I'm not, but right now I'm just taking a moment out to wallow in self pity… like a hippo in a muddy pond. I know that when I come out, and the mud dries and cracks off I'll be all bright and shiny underneath… but right now, just feel like crap.
