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Garden Party.
Jan. 17th, 2011 10:45 pmFrom The Book of Awakening:Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.
"Living through enough, we all come to this understanding, though it is difficult to accept: No matter what path we choose to honor, there will always be conflict to negotiate. If we choose to avoid all conflict with others, we will eventually breed a poisonous conflict within ourselves. Likewise, if we manage to attend our inner lives, who we are will-sooner or later-create some discord with those who would rather have us be something else."
This I have seen in action – but still I have not learned…
Many years ago, starting out on the path I abandoned for a while, but which has never abandoned me, I remember struggling with the 'politics' (small p) of running my own Circle. One person would want to do one thing, and another would want another thing, and in the end nothing would get done, and I would end up feeling totally useless as the leader of the Circle, and wondering what on Earth I could do to make things better.
The answer of course was nothing. I could do nothing because, instead of risking conflict, and putting my foot down… creating an agenda, a 'this is what we'll do and how we'll do it' I tried to be overly democratic and accommodate everyone's needs except the overall important gestalt need, to gel the group and find consensus that way.
This was pointed out to me none too gently by a very wise man, (thank you Alawn), that I had chosen to do this, and so had to accept the conflict that came along with making sure the group ran smoothly. In other words, I had to assert the needs of the inner, to excise the poison of feeling so useless inside as a 'leader.'
Years went by, and a new group came to be in which I was more adept at managing the inner, guiding the group and the learning, and the activities – but here's the rub. The group was made of individuals, each striving with their own inner needs, their own inner poisons… and the relief for that, and in the end the cohesion of the group faltered and failed because many felt they would rather have the 'something else' and I cried, 'what did I do?'
Years passed, and I think I struggled with that and regressed from having taken on board the advice. Rather than examine what had happened I shrank from it. You would think I would have reflected on it and internalised the point of the lesson, right?
Nope.
I hate conflict, as I said in a previous post, will always try to please other people before doing what I want, or even saying what I want, and you know, the poison is there, it builds up, and you end up really the worse for wear. I can't count the number of times I've mumbled and grumbled to myself, feeling terrible inside that I didn't get to do x, y or z… did I open my mouth and say anything about x, y, and z? No, so who's to blame but me for feeling weighted down and diseased by the internal conflict? No one but me, really. What do I fear and why do I fear it? How to face and overcome that fear? These are all questions that need to be meditated on, thought about, showered over I guess… (I do a lot of my deep thinking in the shower – that and plotting/planning for writing that I'm doing).
Knowing that you can't please all of the people all of the time is not enough. Understanding the effects of it are what initiates the change within self to be able to accept it and to then say, "actually, I'd rather drink lemonade and curl up in a blanket today" or whatever the desire happens to be. It might sound easy to say to yourself, 'just open your yap and let it on out,' actually it's not. It's hard.
Since I read today's inspiration, I've had Ricky Nelson's Garden Party running through my head. The one that goes:
"but it's all right now, I learned my lesson well
You see, ya can't please everyone, so ya got to please yourself."
(yes there's a sample on the link if you can't think which song I mean).
I may not have 'learned my lesson' entirely, but… I'm working on it, and for now that's good enough for me.
It is only by risking ourselves
from one hour to another
that we live at all.
-William James
"Living through enough, we all come to this understanding, though it is difficult to accept: No matter what path we choose to honor, there will always be conflict to negotiate. If we choose to avoid all conflict with others, we will eventually breed a poisonous conflict within ourselves. Likewise, if we manage to attend our inner lives, who we are will-sooner or later-create some discord with those who would rather have us be something else."
This I have seen in action – but still I have not learned…
Many years ago, starting out on the path I abandoned for a while, but which has never abandoned me, I remember struggling with the 'politics' (small p) of running my own Circle. One person would want to do one thing, and another would want another thing, and in the end nothing would get done, and I would end up feeling totally useless as the leader of the Circle, and wondering what on Earth I could do to make things better.
The answer of course was nothing. I could do nothing because, instead of risking conflict, and putting my foot down… creating an agenda, a 'this is what we'll do and how we'll do it' I tried to be overly democratic and accommodate everyone's needs except the overall important gestalt need, to gel the group and find consensus that way.
This was pointed out to me none too gently by a very wise man, (thank you Alawn), that I had chosen to do this, and so had to accept the conflict that came along with making sure the group ran smoothly. In other words, I had to assert the needs of the inner, to excise the poison of feeling so useless inside as a 'leader.'
Years went by, and a new group came to be in which I was more adept at managing the inner, guiding the group and the learning, and the activities – but here's the rub. The group was made of individuals, each striving with their own inner needs, their own inner poisons… and the relief for that, and in the end the cohesion of the group faltered and failed because many felt they would rather have the 'something else' and I cried, 'what did I do?'
Years passed, and I think I struggled with that and regressed from having taken on board the advice. Rather than examine what had happened I shrank from it. You would think I would have reflected on it and internalised the point of the lesson, right?
Nope.
I hate conflict, as I said in a previous post, will always try to please other people before doing what I want, or even saying what I want, and you know, the poison is there, it builds up, and you end up really the worse for wear. I can't count the number of times I've mumbled and grumbled to myself, feeling terrible inside that I didn't get to do x, y or z… did I open my mouth and say anything about x, y, and z? No, so who's to blame but me for feeling weighted down and diseased by the internal conflict? No one but me, really. What do I fear and why do I fear it? How to face and overcome that fear? These are all questions that need to be meditated on, thought about, showered over I guess… (I do a lot of my deep thinking in the shower – that and plotting/planning for writing that I'm doing).
Knowing that you can't please all of the people all of the time is not enough. Understanding the effects of it are what initiates the change within self to be able to accept it and to then say, "actually, I'd rather drink lemonade and curl up in a blanket today" or whatever the desire happens to be. It might sound easy to say to yourself, 'just open your yap and let it on out,' actually it's not. It's hard.
Since I read today's inspiration, I've had Ricky Nelson's Garden Party running through my head. The one that goes:
"but it's all right now, I learned my lesson well
You see, ya can't please everyone, so ya got to please yourself."
(yes there's a sample on the link if you can't think which song I mean).
I may not have 'learned my lesson' entirely, but… I'm working on it, and for now that's good enough for me.
