cedar_grove (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
cedar_grove) wrote2011-06-14 10:56 pm
cedar_grove) wrote2011-06-14 10:56 pm
Words Fail
From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.
…sometimes soothe ourselves, and sometimes drink of each other.
I'm losing the will to live!
I don't mean that literally – I just mean that I'm so damn frustrated. I can't seem to do right for doing bloody wrong… and today – today just… I actually stood there and thought 'why the hell am I doing this to myself?' For the first time EVER (or at least as 'ever' as I can remember), I actually contemplated walking out of a classroom.
I felt totally incapable… I saw myself as useless – talk about crisis of confidence, and talk about having it at the worst possible time – there was no soothing myself. No amount of 'I can do this' could bring me back onto an even keel, and allow me to find my feet again for what felt like the longest time.
Then I thought of Mir… I thought of the times when we've sat talking to each other on the phone about difficult kids, difficult classes, strategies to dealing, things to do, things to try, things that sometimes work and things that haven’t… thinking what a superb teacher she is, and letting that strength flow through me. It helped. It helped tremendously. I was able to make it through the day.
I'm still not entirely thrilled at the prospect of going back to the same school tomorrow, but I can do it. I can do this.
I lose sight of us at times;
the way that fish can't see the ocean;
the price of lovers swimming in their love.
…sometimes soothe ourselves, and sometimes drink of each other.
I'm losing the will to live!
I don't mean that literally – I just mean that I'm so damn frustrated. I can't seem to do right for doing bloody wrong… and today – today just… I actually stood there and thought 'why the hell am I doing this to myself?' For the first time EVER (or at least as 'ever' as I can remember), I actually contemplated walking out of a classroom.
I felt totally incapable… I saw myself as useless – talk about crisis of confidence, and talk about having it at the worst possible time – there was no soothing myself. No amount of 'I can do this' could bring me back onto an even keel, and allow me to find my feet again for what felt like the longest time.
Then I thought of Mir… I thought of the times when we've sat talking to each other on the phone about difficult kids, difficult classes, strategies to dealing, things to do, things to try, things that sometimes work and things that haven’t… thinking what a superb teacher she is, and letting that strength flow through me. It helped. It helped tremendously. I was able to make it through the day.
I'm still not entirely thrilled at the prospect of going back to the same school tomorrow, but I can do it. I can do this.