Be Good

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

In this world,
hate never yet dispelled hate.
Only love dispels hate.
This is the law,
ancient and inexhaustible.
--Buddha

As with so many other crucial negotiations of life, what's required is to honor what lives within us. We must bear witness to ourselves

Saturday 17th
Part of my problem is that I don't feel loved. There was a hard admission to make, a hard thing to bear witness to – but before you think anything or say anything, or assume I'm talking about others that I know love me – that's not at all what I mean. I mean that I don't feel love from myself

How can I heal all the things in myself that I hate, (the miscommunication, the assumptions I make, the frustrating bullishness to just press on when something won't work, the careless inattentiveness, that fact that all I'm doing nowadays is to hurt the ones I love the most to name but some of my misgivings and failures), when I feel no love and compassion for myself. Perhaps that's why I'm also so insecure and needy of attention, and reassurance of others love for me... I'm sure it is.

It's not a big revelation really, when it comes to it. It's about as obvious as the trigger that led to this realisation... the thing that started me thinking down such avenues of thought: I reached the end of the Destiny books... and as was suggested I would – kicked myself. Yes that's all in jest and funny, but actually, I also seriously considered my choice of words when I voiced the way I was laughing at myself over it. I called myself thick.

Oh and I was – I so totally owned that. It was obvious from the beginning where the trilogy was going to end and I missed it. LOL. (I enjoyed the books though).

But I called myself thick, and it didn't stop there because at some point I started considering that and how many other things I was 'stupid' about or 'careless' or... any number of self critical words. I'm not saying that self criticism is necessarily a bad thing – how can we improve ourselves if we aren't self critical – just that we maybe need I maybe need to show myself a little compassion. Then maybe I wouldn't take everything everywhere so personally, and react defensively and hurt when there is no need (and there never is).

The Other Half of My Heart

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

One does not become enlightened by imagining
figures of light, but by making the darkness
conscious.
--Carl Jung

So the care of one's being is imperative and continuous, as simple and hard as wiping the residue of experience from your mind and heart, letting your original face again light the way. Though, like scratching the middle of your back, we often need each other to regain our sense of Oneness.

Five more big ducks.

I can't express how good it is to know that number is now below seven. I can't express how much I need to walk into the arms of the guy I love and just hold tightly and be held. I can't say how much of an emotional outpouring such a moment brings even thinking about it.

Five more sleeps. Six more days. I don't want to wait any more.

I'm sure I've spoken of this before in some other entry, and maybe it's because Star Trek thoughts are close to my mind having just finished the last of the books she let me borrow to read, but I am one of those bondmate – not whole without my other; or put another way like a rider without their dragon, or the depth expressed in, half my heart to make yours whole Mir said this to me as she gave me a necklace that I have with me here... held in my lap as I type this – looking at the one side of the heart that is covered with gems, the other side empty – like my hand that longs to be held.

We often need each other to regain our sense of Oneness... I need my guy.