Lightning, and Vigo, and Trip/Connor/Michael!

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

I have no power of miracle
other than the attainment of quiet happiness, I have no tact except the exercise of gentleness.
--Oracle of Sumiyoshi

Only when we can still the river of the world and the river in our face do things become extraordinary and clear.

This is true, physically, spiritually and emotionally. Last week, for me, was one of rush, rush, rush… so much so that I didn't have time to see anything. The river of the world was passing me by – the river in my face was literally that – IN my face… and as a result nothing was clear, and everything extraordinary held no charm for me.

Even my dreams were confused and unclear – unpleasant without being actual nightmares, which I woke from feeling unsettled and not quite with it. So when I got home on Friday, it was no wonder I just kind of crashed out. Not that I rested, nope – more crazy unsettling dreams.

I'm truly hoping this week will be better – but so far it isn't shaping up to be that way.

Politically Correct

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

Those who drink from the one water
gaze at the same stars.

…if he let things in, he could share more easily than if he kept breaking things down in order to get them out.

I'm going to be honest here, well, I mean I always am here with these things, but… it's just a phrase. I'm being honest in explaining that most of the time I try to break things down because I'm afraid that if I don't do it – other people will. I let people in all the time, see – in my own way at least – and that's all they seem to do… break things down.

But then I get to wondering, (second guessing myself the whole time), if that's what happens, if that's what people do… if that's how people think to help me with stuff, then maybe I'm wrong; maybe it's my perceptions and expectations that are wrong, and that what I'm receiving from people is right. I'm not being criticised, I'm being helped. Maybe this goes back to the personalising and projecting thing again.

But then, in another flip of thinking – or maybe it's just bloody mindedness again – I think, 'but wait… am I not being asked, yet again, not to feel what I feel, but take a step back and think what I feel – against all other advice – against all other honesty, to think an emotion to death to stop myself from feeling it?

Mum does this to me all the time, and it's so frustrating. She'll notice something's wrong, so she'll ask me what's wrong – so then I tell her what I'm feeling, or what's happened that's made me feel the way I do… and then off she goes on some explanation of how and why I shouldn't feel the way I do… I end up feeling criticised, lectured at and told off, rather than understood and comforted… and it's got to the point now where I don't feel I can talk – or I'm afraid to, and that makes me feel sad. But how much of that is just my perception…? Would I still feel that way if I stepped back and heard the words without the emotion they were supposed to be 'comforting?' I really don't know… I know I censor things that I put on Facebook because Mum reads that, and I can do without the hassle. And I feel terrible for being so critical of the way Mum is with this stuff too, because I think she's a great person, a wonderful Mum.

I want to be able to talk to people and start sentences with things like "I'm worried because…" or "I'm sad because…" or "I'm happy because…" or "I'm angry because…" I want to let people in… let the warm water in, and let the ice melt slowly – not be chipped away – coz that hurts.

For example – today I feel like a damned hypocrite because I had to teach about the story of Adam and Eve and the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. I know as a teacher I have to follow the syllabus and don't really get a whole lot of choice in the things that I have to teach, but… really… not comfortable with teaching so called 'Christian Values' in the way that I had to. So I've ended up feeling very uncomfortable within myself.

Incidentally, while we're on the subject of Adam and Eve – since when did it become unacceptable to call it an apple ffs? Why do we now have to refer to it as 'the forbidden fruit' or 'the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil'? Correct me if I'm wrong, but it's a damned apple in the bible… and Eve was tempted by a serpent… how long before we have to change that too… until that becomes un-PC.

Okay, I'm going to stop there before I blaspheme any more… right now I have visions of apple trees lobbying the DFE and SACRE about the misrepresentation of apples in religious education.

The Mari Celeste

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

We need to count by touching
not by adding and subtracting.

We think we protect ourselves by taking inventory and moving on, but we only spin our web tighter.

I woke on Sunday to… silence. Way too quiet, eerily quiet, and began to imagine all kinds of things that could have happened. Had something happened to one of the dogs and mum and dad had to take them to the vet? Had something happened to Richard or Kim? To Mum or Dad themselves…? All manner of terrible things had happened – and all before I'd even had breakfast.

Of course eventually I realised that the only way to actually find out what had happened, was to get up and go downstairs and find out, because if they had gone anyway, they would surely have left a note.

When I actually got downstairs I discovered that actually yes, Mum had gone out. She'd gone to an APDT meeting and wouldn’t be back until the evening. It was so quiet because Dad was working on some paperwork to do with my late grandfather's estate, and he needed the quiet to understand the forms. There was no disaster – things just were as they were. Later, mum came home, had enjoyed a good day at her meeting, and we all had dinner together as usual, the three of us, and the two dogs.

I do this a lot, though not as badly as I used to. I think my brain has grown up and accepted that there are things outside of my own little world that are happening that might actually be the reasons for something that is happening, and not my terrible imaginings… but still, at times, when the happenings are out of the ordinary, or unexpected, I still fall back into the old pattern of letting my imagination run away with me, rather than taking out my abacus, and touching the beads of the moment with my hands, my heart and my mind.