Contradictions

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

If I contradict myself, I contradict myself.
I contain multitudes.
--Walt Whitman

…What is difficult at this juncture is to resist either complying with how others see us or withholding who we really are.

I'm having tremendous difficulty with this particular Daily Awakening… technically yesterdays, (Friday's) because I'm just so overwhelmed right now with things that I touched on in the update post below: tiredness, the feeling of not being listened to professionally, disappearing time, lack of creativity/stifled creativity… all of which, I guess, means that I'm withholding who and what I really am.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm feeling highly stressed right now, and that's affecting my general wellbeing. I'm feeling depressed, I'm feeling unappreciated and I'm feeling criticised – not about anything specific, just in general – a product of being stressed I'm sure, but still I'll roll over and play dead… agree… apologise… even if, inside, there's a part of me fizzing and crackling, and hurt and annoyed because I feel that whatever criticism is unjustified and unfair – untrue – back to the whole 'avoiding conflict' thing.

It frustrates me, that I suppress myself this way, and so I become less productive, less creative, more listless – and so I end up stuck in a vicious cycle of my own creation. It's stupid, I know, but I haven't got the energy to help it right now, and I'm just too tired to do anything about it… and yet there's

Shamelessly stolen from logansrogue

Comment and I will comment back with a picture of the fictional (or possibly non-fictional) person that most reminds me of you. Then post the same in your journal.

On Being a Housewife.

From The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.

Withstanding the tension between opposites until we know it is "enough" releases us from the swing between one extreme and the other.
--Helen Luke

This does not remove the emotional facts of our lives, nor does it ask us to remain in a hurtful situation. Rather, compassion asks that we open like mountains to the sky, like mountains that can withstand every kind of weather.

I try very hard to be what people need me to be without losing myself.; to do the things that need to be done with good grace, to help as best as I'm able. Someone wants something and I'll interrupt whatever it is I'm doing and go and help them first, before returning to what I'm doing or trying to do.

Doesn't matter who it is, or what – though the closer I am to someone, the deeper our connection and love, the more I find myself striving and wanting to do it. Like when mum came in this afternoon to ask me to go and identify which was my toothbrush, or when she and dad call for help with the computer. Or when someone wants to know a piece of information, or any one of a number of things – yes sometimes it gets to be a little bit frustrating, but it's what I'm used to.

I wrote a post on another blog of mine the other day… let me find the quote:

…and after a brief mess involving a well known UK coach company, a major US airline, and my endeavours to reach my guy in North Carolina, I finally made it into the arms of comforting domesticity.

It’s hard to describe what that feels like to anyone that’s never been away from their spouse for any protracted periods of time. It’s relief, and joy and hope and love all wrapped up together into a vast embrace of togetherness.

Afterwards though, there's the (current) inevitability of returning here, of running out of time to do everything, to everyone's satisfaction, and then I end up feeling terrible when what comes from what was left undone comes along and bites me on the arse. It used to be the dishes, that when left undone made Mir sad, because there were 2 of everything in the sink to be washed. Now the problem is the laundry… and things not being put where they should be. It seems a stupid thing for me to be getting so upset about, but I am. I should be able to do these things. I enjoy doing things around the house. Cooking, cleaning up, laundry, arachnicide – okay maybe that last one I could do without but I'll keep Mir safe from them if I have to do it from now until eternity ends, because I love her and I know she has a serious problem with them. It also makes sense for me to do those things, because Mir is out at work and I am at the house. I can't go out to work, so I do around the house, but I think the way I do things has got to change – at least until we find a way to stay together permanently, by which time it'll all be different anyway, because the fall out over things I've tidied up, can't remember where I've put them, or whatever – coming at a time when I'm already feeling about as low as I have in a long time – has hurt today. I'm just being honest, and I know it frustrates and hurts Mir too, but there has got to be a better way, especially if Mir feels that she's making me slave away when I'm there. And I knew she's said that on more than one occasion. But, see, what I don't want is for her to work all day long and then me to say – 'do this' or 'do that' or 'you need to… whatever' when she gets home. Mir deserves to have down time, her own time, when she gets home as well as our together time, that we both cherish so much.

So maybe, next time she said, "shall I read to you while you cook," I'll say, 'can you do x first, and then if there's time I'd like that,' or after a game or two of something, suggest that we do x together before we unwind for the evening. I don't know. All I know is that I want to protect us both from a frustration and a pain that we've noticed, both together and separately. Maybe it's all part of adjusting to married life. :)